Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!