"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.