Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.