Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
I’m feelin’ pine.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!