You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.