When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
If you eat too many cherries, you can sometimes end up with digestive issues. It really is the pits.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Treat yo'elf.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.