At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
It’s worth a shot.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.