Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
The calm before the score
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.