What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
You're my purr-son.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'