What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
"It's wine o'clock."
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Life is brew-tiful!
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.