Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.