Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
I have the final sleigh.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!