I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
New electric trains will run on conductors.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Up to snow good.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Keep calm and leprech-on.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
I like your tight end
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.