I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Birch, please.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
You mermake me happy.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Shake your shamrocks.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
I like you sow much.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream