Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Seed between the lines.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
"Alcohol you later."
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.