What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
That was thaw-some!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.