What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Let’s take an elfie.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.