Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Yoda one for me!
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
I feel tail great!
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.