A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Drink happy thoughts.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Say it ain’t snow.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.