I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.