As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
You are shrimply the best!
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…