What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
"Some bunny loves you."
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
I yam what I yam.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.