Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
The huddle is real
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.