What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.