I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
"Eggs-cuse me."
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
"It's wine o'clock."
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
It's lit.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.