What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.