What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
Get clover it, babe.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.