My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.