I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Ants in your plants.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.