How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
"Read between the wines."
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
She has high elf-esteem.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.