Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.