Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
We’ve got serious chemistry.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.