My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Nothing really mattress.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
All stereos are so typical.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.