Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.