I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
We bee-long together.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.