I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Join us for plenty of play action.
I'm the life of the paddy.
Irish you luck.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
Say it ain’t snow.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
I can heartly wait to see you.
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
I have a heart-on for you.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
We’re calling your number.