Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
Salty but sweet.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.