What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”