How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.