What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
You’re my pot of gold.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
You are aged to perfection.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
I think I found my perfect match
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!