Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Take a page from the book and leaf.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.