Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Paddy like a rockstar.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.