What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Girls just wanna have sun.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
This is snow laughing matter!
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.