Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
You mermake me happy.