Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
"For peep's sake."
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Trowel and error.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!