What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
I have bean
thinking about you.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.