I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.