Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
"I make pour decisions."
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.