I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Yoda one for me!
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
I followed my heart to you.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!