What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
I have the final sleigh.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.